Why I Liked... Red Riding Hood (2011)

(Dir. Catherine Hardwicke Starring: Amander Seyfried, Max Irons, Shiloh Fernandez, Gary Oldman)

Jeremy Irons’s son is really good looking. God bless Jeremy Irons.

Let’s roll with that, shall we?

In the opening scene, a young Valerie (Seyfried) and a young Peter (Fernandez) capture an unusually tame bunny rabbit (yeah, because white fluffy bunnies run around in the wild...) and when they lift the makeshift cage, the bunny does nothing. It just sits there. Waiting for them to slit its throat. Now I ask you-what ‘wild’ animal, in it’s right mind, would remain docile and compliant when captured by two little kids with a hunting knife?

Well, that would be Red Riding Hood, so thanks for the metaphor, Catherine Hardwicke.

#cangetit

When I first heard they were re-doing the classic tale, I was excited. I mean, I love the gritty versions, and despite her background with Twilight, I wanted to give Hardwicke another chance. I mean...I guess Twilight wasn’t terribly made, it just had terrible plot. And terrible dialogue. And terrible acting. And terrible everything. And it’s difficult being a female director, so I want her to succeed, but...sadly, no.

Just like little Valerie (seriously, Valerie? Any name but that, please.) and little Peter experienced, it’s exciting to catch it, but the real excitement is when it fights against you, makes it all that much sweeter when you get to...slit its throat. Ok, my own metaphor kinda just flopped (just like this film, har), but you get it, right? Instead of even attempting to live up to expectations, it just...flops over, the critics and audience ready with their hunting knives.

So, let me list some of my other problems with it- first, it’s snowing like, the entire time. Shouldn’t these people be wearing more layers? Like, WAY more layers? Peter jaunts around with his sleeves rolled up, Valerie flaunts her large, er, eyes, and all they have to keep them warm are flimsy cloaks. And apparently, there are no windows, just large holes in the walls. How is this sensible?

 It's not, and neither is beastiality, Red.

Second, it’s less than five minutes in and already this film turns into the plot of Twilight. There’s the guy she loves who broods away from her, there’s the guy (Henry, played by Irons) who just wants to be loved by her, there’s her and her shitty decision making skills, and then there’s Billy Burke sans mustache.

Well, at least he shaved.

Whatever happened to this being a trip to grandmother’s house? Oh wait, that turned into ‘let’s just go to grandmother’s house and eat away our pain’. No, really. Nothing about female empowerment? Nothing about doing things by yourself because fuck yeah, I’m going to grandmother’s house, and no thing is going to stop me? In the year 2011 I kind of expected this film to showcase awesomeness. Not soap opera drama and general...floppiness.

How was this approved? Not just the script, but the final cut? It looks like it was filmed during rehearsal, and it just makes me sad that Gary Oldman and Colonel Tigh have to suffer with this film on their resumes.

Hardwicke? I know it’s naive, but I still have hope.

About as much hope as collecting snow for dinner can give you.

Ok, confession time-I wrote most of that while in the first twenty minutes of the film. Now, as I continue to watch through this I...I feel I’ve been almost too kind. I will, however, finish the film off before posting this review.

Yeah, still bad. But here, my now favourite quote:

“Lock him up-in the elephant!”